What Film Critics Do:

I've only been reviewing for Filmcritic.com for a few weeks now and so far, it's been a hoot. At least once a week, founder Chris Null will judiciously edit the hate mail (lots of it) that gets sent to the site and then circulate the most vile nonsense amongst the staff. Most of them are simply sad and pathetic and they usually end up on the site itself. A rare few are so hilarious in the utter hollowness of their indigation that we get them. Like the one I'm about to share with you. My answers (it's hate mail disguised as a survey) are in italics.

>Chris, you sad little parasite.

Ugh, already a bad sign. Anyone who calls a critic "a parasite" has never been reviewed before and knows nothing about how film journalism works. You make a movie, a critic reviews it. It's a symbiotic relationship. Deal.

>I would like you to answer a few questions, if it won't take you away from the very important work that you're doing.

By all means. That's why we're here, right?

>1.) How did you happen to see my film? It isn't released yet.

Uh, since most film critics have neither smuggling rings nor super powers, probably because you sent us a copy, you twit. And the reason film reviews come out on the same day movies are released is because critics get to see them at special screenings BEFOREHAND. Need we repeat the basics again?
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>2.) What, do you feel, qualifies you as a movie critic?

Oy jeez, what is this, junior high school? "YOU DON'T KNOW ME. YOU CAN'T CRITICIZE ME? AND STAY AWAY FROM MY LOCKER!"
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>3.) What qualifies anybody as a movie critic?

The easy answer here is "what qualifies anyone to be a filmmaker?" but why get all existential?

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>4.) Have you ever attempted to create anything of your own? A screenplay? An actual film? A puppet show even? Or are you too busy sitting on the bag of cottage cheese you use for an ass and sucking down twelve-packs of diet coke in front of your computer altar and doling out your sage advice to those of us who haven't reached the heights you have?

Ya know, every job has an occupational hazard. A film critic's is listening to pompous spoild brats hurl sour grapes because you gave them a bad review. Everyone gets bad reviews and real filmmakers shrug and say "on to my next project." GROW UP. Ever hear Martin Scorcese blame the critics? He's too busy making movies.

Side Note: I've never seen this guy's film but in this question, he tips his hand. I don't need to see it now because I know it sucks. Anyone who gets personal with a critic is compensating for a three-ton load of insecurity about their own lack of talent. Whining about a bad review is like admiting the review is right.

5.) Do you revere the internet as a device which allows previously unnoticed trolls such as yourself to waddle out from under their bridge of uselesness and feel they are contributing to society in some pathetic way?

*Yawn* They said the same thing about television in 1950, radio in 1920, movies in 1890 and on and on.

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>6.) Do you agree with the popular theory that critics are doomed to sit on the sidelines as disgruntled observers, jealously slandering those people who have the guts to achieve what the critic can only dream about?

Boyo, this is only a popular theory amongst self-rightous beginning filmmakers resentful of anyone else's success. Really it's a myth, like Bigfoot or the Bermuda Triangle. I've been reviewing movies for twelve years and have never once met a film critic who wanted to make them. Never. It's a different skill set, a different personality type. The most powerful ones, like Vincent Canby, Roger Ebert and the late, great Pauline Kael all had the clout and connections to do so and didn't. Work an honest job for a few days and you'll realize that few air traffic controllers really want to be pilots and few museum curators really want to be painters. To sum up: No one here envys you. And certainly not after this letter.

7.) Is "presumedly" a word? Or did you and your crack team of geniuses at Critics 'R Us mean to say "presumably"?

What's that buzzing noise?

>8.) If you feel that my movie wasted 77 minutes of your life, why would you waste another 15 minutes writing a critique about it?

*echo* *echo*

>9.) What are your five favorite and five least favorite films?

If this is a credibility test, I gave at the office.

>I would appreciate honest answers to all of these questions.

Nothing but the best for you, my friend. See above

Waste valuable time!

Popping Bubble Wrap with your mouse.

Enough is Enough!

Does even the MTV Video Music Awards have to do a September 11th tribute? Oy, the self importance. Not that I've seen the VMA's in about 15 years but when I was a fifth grader and the very first one came on, it was just an excuse to see all your favorite musicians on one program.

Bring back Corey Hart. Now!

Tell me a Story:

Had a really large time tonight at The Porchlight storytelling series hosted by the unparalleled Beth Lisick, poet and artistic force that I've shamlessly modeled my career after.

My thinking is that San Francisco is not the only place this sort of thing, so if you think live storytelling might be your kind of thing (and believe me it is if you A) read a lot B) Are into words, performance and narrative or C) Are into human nature)...

1) Find out if Fray Day, a live celebration of personal storytelling, is happening in your city next month.

2) There are annual storytelling festivals all over the country. How about in your hometown?

3) Troll through Storyteller.net. There's lots there.

I took a storytelling class once and sadly, there seems to be a great divide between first person, confessional storytelling and performance storytelling which sticks to folk tales, legends and "carrying on the oral tradition."

Sounds like a bridge waiting to be built.

The Man:

Just got off the phone from my interview with Toure, very bright and a total gentleman. Oh, and his book The Portable Promised Land is wildly creative and downright hilarious. I can't recommend it enough.

How many ways can you say orgasm?

The Adult Video News, the Billboard magazine of porn, is looking for freelance reviewers. The pay isn't great but it does mean a chance to vote in their annual awards and think of several hundred synonyms for giving and receiving oral sex (via Chris Null)

Joly Good Show!

The first screening of my new monthly film series, Monday Night at (S)Moklers, went off like gang busters. The film I choose, 1961's The Misfits, which Clark Gable and Marylin Monroe both starred in right before they died, may have landed like a led balloon but the company (Laura, Kristin, Wendy, Jane, Scott, and Joe) was exquisite.

No Peanuts for you!

U.S. Airways is cutting 13% of its flights, laying off a ton of employees and implementing a rediculous set of policies which seem be advocating a when-the-going-gets-tough, gut-customer-service business strategy, in order to bootstrap themselves out of bankrupcy. Apparently now, if you miss a US Airways flight, tough luck. The ticket is now worthless. Nor can you stand by for another flight.

Imagine the following scenario: You're on your way home to spend Thanksgiving with your family. A massive snowstorm cancels most of the flights coming out of your airport, including yours on US Airways. You may now either A) Pay a grip for a new ticket, B) Stay home or C) Go Greyhound.

Is this what we've come in air travel, a frail, panicked industry, hostile to its own customers? Yes, we all know September 11th was devastating but do you know anyone who doesn't fly anymore because of this tragic day? I don't. Yes, it will take a while for the industry to get back on its feet but is this draconian nonsense supposed to reaffirm public faith? I say buy stock immediately in Southwest Airlines, Jet Blue and any other airline that has customer service as part of its business plan. They're about to take off.

Wait, where are you going?

Several people I know are contemplating leaving San Francisco. I know supposed to take this personally but I feel like I just got here. Like my house has just come together, like I'm just plunking down roots.

Can ya'll hold on a sec? I just got here.

One Sentence Movie Reviews #2

An Officer and a Gentlemen (1982)

Assesment: The military will save us all from our sad, boring lives.